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My Slightly Chaotic Life

Balancing Life, Children and Chaos

Parenting

Dear New Mom; It’s not Going to be Easy

March 13, 2018 Comments : 7

I am slowly coming to the end of this pregnancy journey and it has me reminiscing about what it was like when I had my first born being a new mom. The experience wasn’t easy and I feel like as a society we are setting new moms up for failure by only portraying the good or beautiful side of motherhood. The truth is, is that motherhood is messy and unpredictable and you just might have that difficult baby that makes your question not only your sanity but also how you view yourself as a mom. This blog post is raw and honest about my delivery and post-partum experience with my now 6 year old who despite his beginnings has grown into a smart, funny, loving little boy who I wouldn’t hesitate to do it all again with.

I don’t remember much from being pregnant with Hayden except for his little kicks and bumps he blessed me with and the overall feeling of being uncomfortable especially since he was born at the end of August. By the time the last few weeks of pregnancy rolled around I was begging for an induction. I was hot, fat and miserable. I would have done anything to get him out of me so I went in for an induction at 39 weeks (which looking back on that decision was probably not the best idea since my body was not ready for it). I went in on August 29th, 2011 in the early morning hours with my mom and Hayden’s father. The induction process ended up being delayed till afternoon due to the labor and delivery floor being extremely busy so we sat in the room and waited.

Waiting sucks. There is an entire theory and science around waiting and how people tend to react and respond to waiting for something, anything to happen. I will be the first to admit I hate waiting for things. I enjoy instant gratification and at that moment I was so ready to meet my little guy who had already spent 39 weeks growing inside of me so by the time they started the induction process it had felt like I had been waiting an eternity (in reality it had only been 5 hours). I remember them starting pitocin gradually and initially thinking that this isn’t so bad, I can do this. Why do women always state that labor is the equivalent to getting ripped in half by two horses running in opposite directions? These thoughts were fleeting as soon as they began to increase the pitocin dose in order to force my uterus into contracting. I would not wish this medication on anyone, even 6 years later I can still remember how terrible the pain was in having a medication force my body into doing something that it just wasn’t ready to do.

At some point I got an epidural, probably after I decided I was in agony from the contractions and can remember trying to stay absolutely still during intense waves of contractions while some old anesthesia doctor jammed a giant needle into my back. At this point I was so exhausted I just wanted to lay down. Eventually, 14 hours into my labor Hayden’s heart rate dropped to below 40 beats per minute and despite their best efforts to re position me (which is pretty difficult when your lower extremities are numb), his heart rate continued to yo-yo up and down. It was officially c-section time. Hayden was born around 3 am on August 30th, 2011 by c-section with my mom accompanying into the operating room weighing in at a gigantic 10 pounds.

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Finally meeting Hayden he was so bloated!
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Peaceful moments in the hospital

I did experience a post-partum hemorrhage after delivery most likely due to being induced and having a larger sized baby. This complication led to a delay in breast milk production causing both myself and Hayden to have to stay in the hospital for about a week. Me due to my low blood levels and Hayden because he dropped more then 10% of his body weight. Finally, we were able to go home.

I don’t really think that I was prepared fully on what to expect when it came to being a new mom. Thankfully, my mother was around to help when I needed it but I still felt incredibly isolated and alone. Hayden was not an easy baby. He cried a lot, mostly at night, and I struggled significantly with breast feeding. All of this and a rocky relationship to begin with led to post-partum depression. I was constantly at war with my boyfriend, sleep deprived, felt unattractive and overweight and felt like a failure for not being able to do the most basic and natural thing to feed my baby. Something had to give and after meeting with a lactation consultant I decided that it would be best for me to exclusively pump and bottle feed Hayden. I am so happy that I made that decision since I was finally able to give him enough of what he needed without the tears and struggle. It was hard work and for the first couple of weeks I have to pump every 2 hours even through the night to build up my supply but it paid off in the end when I was able to overproduce what Hayden actually consumed.

Don’t get me wrong, even through the sleep deprivation and depression my son became my entire world after he was born. I would have done anything for him. The moments where he would smile or giggle overcame the moments when he was unhappy and crying. Despite this, I still couldn’t help but feel like I was the worst mom ever. Those first 6 months after he was born were some of the hardest days of my life and I thought that the reason he wouldn’t sleep was because of me, that there was something that I was doing wrong and I was detrimentally effecting this tiny human who depended on me. It didn’t help that the person that was suppose to be my partner was distant and not supportive about anything. Sometimes still when Hayden has a bad day or acts out I feel that it was because I wasn’t a good enough mom in the beginning (which is crazy and untrue, I know).

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The smiles were the best!

Eventually things evened out and my son and I found our groove but the struggle leading up to that was unexpected and difficult to talk about even with my closest friends and family. I felt like a failure and that others would judge me for my poor parenting skills. No one talks about how hard it is to have a new born. People generally only talk about how good their baby is and how their baby sleeps all night and never about the other struggles that arise. I wish I had known about the dark side of being a new mom, maybe then I would have been more prepared and less hard on myself when things didn’t go exactly the way I imagined they would.

I want all new moms to know that it will be difficult at times and that is OK. Not everyone will shed every single ounce of pregnancy weight immediately after delivery, your baby will most likely not sleep all night, and you will struggle with multiple things such as breast feeding, sleep schedules and even your own self esteem. This doesn’t make you a bad mom, in fact your doing an amazing job and things will get easier.

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Preparing with Nuby
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Hospital Bag Must Haves

Comments

  1. Sally says

    June 6, 2018 at 3:27 pm

    This baby so cute. Thanks for sharing

    Reply
  2. Sara says

    June 6, 2018 at 4:59 pm

    A Beautiful Post! Sometimes I wonder how fast times fly and you made me have a quick recap of my baby’s arrival too. Yeah, motherhood is messy, but the most sweetest phase 🙂

    Reply
  3. Samantha says

    June 6, 2018 at 8:44 pm

    You are an incredible mom. Your story is beautiful & inspiring. The beginning with a newborn is hard, but you did a great job. Hayden is lucky to have you as a mom.

    Reply
  4. Dee says

    June 6, 2018 at 9:27 pm

    This is such a great reminder for any mom! I wasn’t prepared for the downs of motherhood, since like you said no one really talks about it. Becoming a mom for the first time really opened my eyes to that!

    Reply
  5. Paula says

    June 6, 2018 at 11:51 pm

    Wow! Thanks so much for sharing!
    I too had my son in the summer in Florida and the heat was unbearable! We also ended up having an emergency c-section after a full day of labor but things went pretty well afterwards. You’re right, I think people tend to forget the hard times and focus on the positive, which is great, but it leaves new parents clueless to the hardships.

    Reply
  6. angie collinson says

    June 7, 2018 at 2:27 am

    my birth story and those first few weeks are both so clear and yet a blur all at the same time! Sharing stories and knowing you’re not alone through it all is a life saver…

    Reply
  7. Lexi says

    June 7, 2018 at 3:19 am

    What a scary experience! I had to have a c section too but it was planned, I couldn’t imagine it being a sudden change like that. It’s so important to remember everyone has rough days! I think a lot of people think everyone has it all together even though they have tough times too!

    Reply

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Hi! I'm Danielle. I'm a mom, wife and ED nurse. I love sharing my honest take on being a mom, traveling with kids and lifestyle content.

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Fall is my absolute favorite time of year and what Fall is my absolute favorite time of year and what better way to spend it than by doing all the things with National Coffee Day right around the corner? #ad I love to have a cup on hand that helps keep my coffee nice and hot. With Chinet Comfort® cups, I can take my coffee on the go or stay home with it. How are you celebrating National Coffee Day? #mychinet @mychinet​
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So thankful for these little ladies in my life eve So thankful for these little ladies in my life even though there is a slight chance I will regret their fiery spirits later on in when they are teens. 
#nationaldaughtersday 
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#momof3 #daughters #siblinglove #momsofinsta #instamom #motherhoodjourney
It’s the first day of fall and I’m loving the It’s the first day of fall and I’m loving the cooler weather and warmer outfits. It’s all the perfect time because my favorite @abercrombie bodysuits are on sale through the weekend on the @shop.ltk app. If you shop the link through my bio you can get 20% off site wide. I’ve linked all my other favs as well! 
.
.
.
.
.
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#ltkcurves #momstyle #ltksale #ltksalealert #mombod #falloutfit #falloutfits #outfitreel
Thinking back on the time I made my son get up wit Thinking back on the time I made my son get up with me to go watch the sunrise on top of Cadillac Mountain in @acadianps. 
Acadia is my absolute favorite place to visit and having my kids there to hike and explore with makes it that much better.  One day they won’t want to do this with me so for now I’ll enjoy it while I can even though he may have whined just a little about getting up that early. 
.
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.
.
.
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.
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#mainelife #acadianationalpark #exploremaine #visitmaine #travelwithkids
It’s the outward impression that matters right? It’s the outward impression that matters right? I guess no matter how presentable I make myself look, my attitude is always going to come on through. 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#momhumor #momreels #funnymom #workingmomlife #workingmoms #motherhoodlife
I’m happy that my body finally feels like my own I’m happy that my body finally feels like my own again but I’m sad that I may never experience another newborn and baby stage. 
How do I come to terms with never experiencing those firsts again or baby snuggles? 
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
#momoflittles #motherhood #motherhoodunplugged #motherhoodjourney #momreel #momof3 #momtruths
One year old. My little rainbow baby is officiall One year old. 
My little rainbow baby is officially one. It’s been absolute chaos this year but every second, every minute, every hour has been worth it. 
The amount of joy this little lady has brought into all of our lives is unexplainable. Being her mom has been amazing and I’m so excited to see what the next year brings. ❤️
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