I am not one to brag but I have this incredible skill that I have spent years cultivating. That skill is procrastination. I am amazing at putting things off till the last minute until full blown panic mood kicks in and I am furiously trying to finish whatever it is that I need to get done. This skill isn’t for everyone, after all, I do my best work under extreme pressure which has been beneficial to me throughout my many years of schooling and even now in my role as an ED nurse. For whatever reason when the time crunch is on my mind clears, calmness falls over me, and I have superhuman focus in order to complete a 20 page paper or even to save a life.
Procrastination currently though is not my friend in preparing for this baby. I am officially in the single digits of weeks left and do not even feel slightly prepared for what’s to come. Some may think; well you already have a child, you must have stuff from then but they tend to forget that when your child is 6 and you’ve gone through a divorce you get rid of stuff over the years till your left with nothing for a baby. Thankfully I have a crib (thanks to my sister), a pack and play (thanks to Aaron being on the ball) and a breast pump (thank you insurance). I also have some clothes and miscellaneous items thanks to my mom, my boyfriend’s daughter and a kind co-worker. My baby shower is next weekend which wouldn’t have even been possible if it wasn’t for 2 of my amazing friends who basically told me they were going to throw me one. So I am sure that I will get more necessary items then but other then that, besides a set of really cute ruffle sleeve onesies I purchased, I have not done much to prepare for this baby.
So why have I been procrastinating getting things together and organized because generally women are so excited when it comes to baby prepping? So while I sat in labor and delivery last night for 4 hours being monitored for contractions, I decided to take the time and reflect on why I was putting preparing for baby off and it ultimately led to the realization that it was because of fear. Fear of loss and the unknown were the two main reasons that came to mind.
My family has been through enough loss when it comes to pregnancy. I myself have personally experienced loss with my first pregnancy and was there for another family member when she experienced her own personal loss as well. This has made me reluctant to be excited about this pregnancy because I am terrified that it will end without a healthy baby in my arms coming home with us. I had a grief counselor tell me that when you lose your parents you lose your past but when you lose your child you lose your future which at that time was exactly how I felt; that I had lost what was to come. I’m scared to prepare for a future that may not happen.
Early on in my second trimester I was told my c-section scar was thinning which could lead to a number of complications with the pregnancy as well as labor. Since then I have had one maternal fetal medicine doctor tell me I would require an early c-section, another one say that things looked stable and I could possibly have a c-section closer to 39 weeks, while the last one gave me hope that I could have the VBAC I had dreamed of. All these mixed opinions have caused me to be afraid of what is still unknown. We may not fully know the state of my previous scar until I deliver this baby, one way or another, but until then I’m scared of what that unknown can lead to and the complications that could arise.
Coming to these realizations were not easy nor is sharing them with the world. Hopefully now I can stop procrastinating and get working on preparing myself mentally and physically for this baby. If that fails, I will wait till the last minute like I do with so many other things and run around like a crazy lady trying to prepare what I’m sure I could pull off to be a fabulous nursery.