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My Slightly Chaotic Life

Balancing Life, Children and Chaos

Parenting

Co Parenting: What Not to Do

February 10, 2018 Comments : 5

The challenges of a co-parenting relationship

Disclaimer: This is a very personal post about co parenting and my own experience over the past year with my six year old son and what I have learned. I absolutely applaud those that can co parent without any discord or contention between the other parent however that has not been the case for me. An effective co parenting relationship is truly what is in the best interest of the child (or children for some) and makes the child’s life much easier. I wish things were different in my case for me, but mostly for my son and this post no way condones this type of co parenting relationship nor does it imply this is the right way to do things.

Struggling with co parenting with your ex? Here are ways to co parent more effectively for happier children. | Co parenting | Children | Divorce | Parenting |

Co parenting is one of the hardest things to do. It takes two people making a decision to jointly agree to get along and communicate fluently in order to ultimately do what is best for the child. So what happens when two parents are unable to get along and struggle with the communication piece? What happens when one parent tries to communicate but it is poorly received on the other parent’s end? No matter what, the child suffers and is placed in the middle of the battle between mom and dad.

When I made the choice to leave my marriage I knew that communication would be hard with my ex-husband. I also knew that his anger and inability to compromise would cause a co-parenting relationship to be very difficult to maintain. That’s the thing when you leave a relationship that was surrounded by verbal and emotional abuse and have a child with that person, it doesn’t necessarily mean that abuse is going to end especially when one parent attempts to use the child as a tool to upset or “get back” at the other parent.

IMG_1141
Picture of Hayden when he was little because let’s face it he is adorable

A couple months after I left my ex-husband and after one particularly bad conversation about scheduling which ended with degrading comments, including being called a bad mother, I spent time crying to my mom about how all of this just seemed so impossible. How was I going to be able to communicate with this person for the next 13 years of my child’s life? I was upset that I was still being put down, having lies spread about me but even more upset that the child was being thrown in the middle of this mess. While my mom had some great advice it was my dad’s text the next day with a link to an article that really hit home for me.

Psychology Today: 10 Tips for Co-parenting with a Narcissist

I was going about this co parenting relationship all wrong and the more I thought about the more I realized that my ex-husband fell under the narcissist category. So not only was I navigating the co parenting relationship, I was co parenting with a narcissist.

Phone calls and text messages were not going to work for us because generally they ended in yelling and frustration and neither was trying to communicate based on emotion. I needed to start changing my approach to how to interact with my child’s father in order to maintain my own sanity and really protect what was in my son’s best interest.

Communication could only be done via e-mail for us. This was one of the first things that I learned. Text messages, phone conversations and face to face conversations were absolutely not going to work for us. These would become heated in the moment and only lead to more communication problems. With e-mail, you have more time to apply a thoughtful response and keep your emotions in check. The response does not have to be an immediate action making it easier to remain calm and collected. While it is a daily struggle to have to bite my tongue, especially when I really want to say what I’m thinking, I know emotional responses don’t do any good and it will just be met with opposition.

Another important thing that I learned was to let things go. When it came to small stuff it was easier to not argue since there was no way to win an argument with someone who wants to control every aspect of your child’s life as well as yours. Even still to this day, my child’s father wants to be the one in control and will argue and demean until his way is met even threatening legal action over and over again (with no follow through). When it comes to the big things such as which school to go to and medical decisions I have learned to be firm and stand my ground. Those big decision will impact the child’s life and fighting over whose clothes are whose are not that important in the larger scheme of things.

I also had to accept the fact that my ex-husband was never going to change. My mom made an important statement about how I spent 7 years hoping he would change which never happened, what made me think things would be different now? Once I came to terms with the fact he was always going to be this way it made it easier to not engage and really focus on what was important: Hayden.

the-only-way-to-win-with-a-toxic-person-is-3827234

Most importantly, I have learned so many things about myself and my son in this process. I learned that Hayden is extremely resilient. While there are times that I know the back and forth transitions do take it’s toll on him, he continues to move forward. He still is a sweet, kind, loving little boy and I remind him of how proud I am of him everyday. I also learned that I am stronger then I previously thought. I never thought that I was strong enough to leave nor did I think in the first couple months after leaving that I would be able to get through the aftermath. Like my son, I needed to learn to be resilient and strong to show Hayden that everything was going to be fine.

I wish my situation was different for my son. I wish that the relationship was cordial and that my child’s father and I could get along in order to provide a united front for Hayden. This will probably never be the case for us though and I have come to accept that. At the very least Hayden knows he is loved and safe. All I can do is encourage and support Hayden and continue to keep trying on my end.

 

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Comments

  1. Mummanopoly says

    February 10, 2018 at 8:35 pm

    I could have written this post myself. A lot of what you wrote deeply resonates with me and in fact exactly what I am facing now. The resilience in my children and I has definitely helped us to be strong amongst all of his hostility and negative front. Stay positive and remain content and happy that is my biggest advice to you. I made a conciouss self note that I do not want to be dragged about emotionally like a used puppet so I just smile and keep it moving amongst all of his vindictive games. Well done keep going!

    Reply
    • myslightlychaoticlife says

      February 10, 2018 at 10:38 pm

      Thank you for your response. I couldn’t agree more with your statement to be make the choice not to be dragged around like an emotional puppet because that is what often happens when I let this whole situation get the best of me. Parenting is hard enough when there are two that actually work together. It’s even harder when there is turmoil and discontent between the parents. Good luck to you and keep your head up as well mama. We got this!

      Reply
      • Mummanopoly says

        February 10, 2018 at 10:42 pm

        Yep we have got this! We thank God for creating women ay! Because if it were left to the men…?!! All the best for your future too. 🙂

        Reply
  2. thegrittygypsy says

    February 11, 2018 at 1:15 pm

    Thank you for sharing. My son is in his senior year of high school and my ex refuses to co-parent. He wants to have control and he is really hard to deal with. It’s so toxic and frustrating. But all we can do is keep our heads up (and down when necessary) and one day there will be peace.

    Reply
    • myslightlychaoticlife says

      February 11, 2018 at 2:53 pm

      Exactly. That is more number one hope is that someday we will just be able to get along and show our child a united front. Until then just have to keep moving forward! Thank you for the comment!

      Reply

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Hi! I'm Danielle. I'm a mom, girlfriend and ED nurse. I love sharing my honest take on all things mom as well as life!

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“A beautiful day starts with a beautiful mindset “A beautiful day starts with a beautiful mindset” - unknown 
Read that again. 
No matter how crappy you think your day is going to be; wake up and set you mind to a more positive way of thinking. 
I can’t tell you how many times this thought process has gotten me through rough days at work, with the kids or even when I’m just feeling incredibly overwhelmed. 

Tell me how do you create a beautiful mindset? 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#positivewords 
#motivationalquotesdaily 
#lifewithkids
AD: Balancing my mind and my immune system these d AD: Balancing my mind and my immune system these days. As a busy mom it’s so important that I keep a healthy immune system because moms don’t get days off! 

Bonus: supporting my gut health as well with products that contain @epicorimmune. It’s a POSTbiotic. Haven’t heard of that before? So, PRObiotics in your gut eat fibers (PREbiotics) in order to make beneficial metabolites. Well, POSTbiotics contain those metabolites and delivers them directly to your gut. 

Currently using @countrylifevitamins Gut Connection ImmuneBalance™ powered by @epicorimmune. You can find @countrylifevitamins online at the link in my bio. 

How are you balancing your mind and body these days?

#livemorehealthydays #EpiCorImmune 
#EpiCor 
#healthylivingtips

https://lnk2.io/wLKXFhK
Rainy day here today but this little corner of Ave Rainy day here today but this little corner of Avery’s bedroom looks so cozy. 

I’m so thankful to have passed on my love for reading to both my children and here are some of Avery’s favorite books on display. Beekle, Raz & Benz and Strictly no Elephants are Avery’s favs and we read them on repeat every night. I’ll link the books in my stories. 

What books do your kids love?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#lifewithatoddler 
#toddlermomlife 
#momlife 
#motherhoodalive 
#motherhoodlife
I couldn’t go another day without having this sw I couldn’t go another day without having this sweet photo of both my kids and myself on my feed. 

Getting photos with the kids is hard and the majority of the time I’m doing it by myself. 
I rely on my camera, tripod and timer to snap these shots and anyone who knows this method can relate to it taking many shots to get something resembling what your initial idea was. 
Pretty happy to have finally caught this one and not ashamed to admit there was some bribery involved.

Share your tips with getting photos with your kids in the comments! 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#mommyandme
#momswithcameras 
#momswithstyle 
#honestmommin 
#lifewithlittles
Easter is coming up and if your like me; you want Easter is coming up and if your like me; you want to create something (most likely last minute) that your kids will love but doesn’t cost a fortune. Well I am here to say Easter basket’s don’t have to be expensive! 

In fact: you can create a fun Easter basket for your kiddos that is inexpensive (and last minute if that’s your thing). 
Things I grabbed for Avery’s basket this year:
1. Chalk (Target dollar spot)
2. Sunglasses 
3. Water bottle 
4. Bubble wands
5. Socks (because what kid doesn’t love socks)
6. Plastic eggs with candy and coins 
7. Chocolate bunny 
8. Spring outfit 

For inspo on older kid’s Easter Basket ideas, make sure to check out my latest blog post (link in bio). 

That’s it! Quick, easy and the total cost was minimal. 
Bunny pictured from last year because my child does not need anymore stuffed animals.

What fun things do you do for Easter?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#easterbasket 
#easterbasketideas 
#toddlerhood 
#easterbaskets 
#busymomlife
3 years ago, this little one came into this world 3 years ago, this little one came into this world in a whirlwind and has kept us guessing and on our toes ever since. 
She loves reading, hiking, riding her bike, jumping on and off a thing, playing with her siblings and friends and Paw Patrol. 
Happy birthday Avery; life is that much better and just a little crazier with you around and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#birthdayvibes 
#toddlermom 
#toddlerstyle 
#threeyearsold 
#mylittleloves
Warmer springtime afternoons spent with this one i Warmer springtime afternoons spent with this one is nothing but pure joy with a little bit of caffeine thrown in to help keep me fueled. 

It is also the perfect time to pair your favorite @dunkin beverage with a snack. With options from Avocado Toast (my favorite), to a Grilled Cheese or Stuffed Croissant (Hayden’s favorite) or even a chocolate glazed donut (Avery’s favorite), there is something for everyone. And until April 27th, you can snag any size Cold Brew for just $3 with your Perks membership in Maine and Vermont. So, make sure to sign up today!!
So a big @dunkin cheers to warmer days, brighter flowers and spending more time outside with a coffee in one hand and a snack in the other. 

What are you looking forward to most about springtime?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#dunkinmaine 
#dunkinpartner 
#dunkin 
#mainemom 
#newengland_igers
I’ve had people ask me how I stay so organized; I’ve had people ask me how I stay so organized; how I manage kid’s schedules, work schedules, graduate school and blogging all at once.

Here’s the truth: I don’t. 

I am the least organized person you will meet. I have calendars everywhere and a planner filled with post it reminders and lists. The fact that we make it places on time, I get my school work done and meet deadlines for myself and brands is a small miracle with a little last minute panic thrown in when I remember something I forgot. 
So today I sat down. Updated my life and organized the next couple months so things feel a little bit calmer. Here’s to hoping this small bit of sanity continues. 

What do you do to keep you and your family organized?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#realmotherhood 
#targethome 
#officedesk 
#organizedliving 
#momstruggles
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“A beautiful day starts with a beautiful mindset “A beautiful day starts with a beautiful mindset” - unknown 
Read that again. 
No matter how crappy you think your day is going to be; wake up and set you mind to a more positive way of thinking. 
I can’t tell you how many times this thought process has gotten me through rough days at work, with the kids or even when I’m just feeling incredibly overwhelmed. 

Tell me how do you create a beautiful mindset? 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#positivewords 
#motivationalquotesdaily 
#lifewithkids
AD: Balancing my mind and my immune system these d AD: Balancing my mind and my immune system these days. As a busy mom it’s so important that I keep a healthy immune system because moms don’t get days off! 

Bonus: supporting my gut health as well with products that contain @epicorimmune. It’s a POSTbiotic. Haven’t heard of that before? So, PRObiotics in your gut eat fibers (PREbiotics) in order to make beneficial metabolites. Well, POSTbiotics contain those metabolites and delivers them directly to your gut. 

Currently using @countrylifevitamins Gut Connection ImmuneBalance™ powered by @epicorimmune. You can find @countrylifevitamins online at the link in my bio. 

How are you balancing your mind and body these days?

#livemorehealthydays #EpiCorImmune 
#EpiCor 
#healthylivingtips

https://lnk2.io/wLKXFhK
Rainy day here today but this little corner of Ave Rainy day here today but this little corner of Avery’s bedroom looks so cozy. 

I’m so thankful to have passed on my love for reading to both my children and here are some of Avery’s favorite books on display. Beekle, Raz & Benz and Strictly no Elephants are Avery’s favs and we read them on repeat every night. I’ll link the books in my stories. 

What books do your kids love?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#lifewithatoddler 
#toddlermomlife 
#momlife 
#motherhoodalive 
#motherhoodlife
I couldn’t go another day without having this sw I couldn’t go another day without having this sweet photo of both my kids and myself on my feed. 

Getting photos with the kids is hard and the majority of the time I’m doing it by myself. 
I rely on my camera, tripod and timer to snap these shots and anyone who knows this method can relate to it taking many shots to get something resembling what your initial idea was. 
Pretty happy to have finally caught this one and not ashamed to admit there was some bribery involved.

Share your tips with getting photos with your kids in the comments! 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#mommyandme
#momswithcameras 
#momswithstyle 
#honestmommin 
#lifewithlittles
Easter is coming up and if your like me; you want Easter is coming up and if your like me; you want to create something (most likely last minute) that your kids will love but doesn’t cost a fortune. Well I am here to say Easter basket’s don’t have to be expensive! 

In fact: you can create a fun Easter basket for your kiddos that is inexpensive (and last minute if that’s your thing). 
Things I grabbed for Avery’s basket this year:
1. Chalk (Target dollar spot)
2. Sunglasses 
3. Water bottle 
4. Bubble wands
5. Socks (because what kid doesn’t love socks)
6. Plastic eggs with candy and coins 
7. Chocolate bunny 
8. Spring outfit 

For inspo on older kid’s Easter Basket ideas, make sure to check out my latest blog post (link in bio). 

That’s it! Quick, easy and the total cost was minimal. 
Bunny pictured from last year because my child does not need anymore stuffed animals.

What fun things do you do for Easter?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#easterbasket 
#easterbasketideas 
#toddlerhood 
#easterbaskets 
#busymomlife
3 years ago, this little one came into this world 3 years ago, this little one came into this world in a whirlwind and has kept us guessing and on our toes ever since. 
She loves reading, hiking, riding her bike, jumping on and off a thing, playing with her siblings and friends and Paw Patrol. 
Happy birthday Avery; life is that much better and just a little crazier with you around and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#birthdayvibes 
#toddlermom 
#toddlerstyle 
#threeyearsold 
#mylittleloves
Warmer springtime afternoons spent with this one i Warmer springtime afternoons spent with this one is nothing but pure joy with a little bit of caffeine thrown in to help keep me fueled. 

It is also the perfect time to pair your favorite @dunkin beverage with a snack. With options from Avocado Toast (my favorite), to a Grilled Cheese or Stuffed Croissant (Hayden’s favorite) or even a chocolate glazed donut (Avery’s favorite), there is something for everyone. And until April 27th, you can snag any size Cold Brew for just $3 with your Perks membership in Maine and Vermont. So, make sure to sign up today!!
So a big @dunkin cheers to warmer days, brighter flowers and spending more time outside with a coffee in one hand and a snack in the other. 

What are you looking forward to most about springtime?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#dunkinmaine 
#dunkinpartner 
#dunkin 
#mainemom 
#newengland_igers
I’ve had people ask me how I stay so organized; I’ve had people ask me how I stay so organized; how I manage kid’s schedules, work schedules, graduate school and blogging all at once.

Here’s the truth: I don’t. 

I am the least organized person you will meet. I have calendars everywhere and a planner filled with post it reminders and lists. The fact that we make it places on time, I get my school work done and meet deadlines for myself and brands is a small miracle with a little last minute panic thrown in when I remember something I forgot. 
So today I sat down. Updated my life and organized the next couple months so things feel a little bit calmer. Here’s to hoping this small bit of sanity continues. 

What do you do to keep you and your family organized?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#realmotherhood 
#targethome 
#officedesk 
#organizedliving 
#momstruggles
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